Halfassedowe-en


Please share links to your equally halfassed squash carving and decorating skills in the comments.

My mom got me a pumpkin while she and dad were visiting last week. To make a Jack-o-Lantern. I wasn't going to bother but then when I got home last night and the pumpkin is all sitting there sad and uncarved I felt kinda sorry for it.

Pumpkins are a bit pointless. In fact Hallowe'en as the drunken commercial candy coma evening we know today was probably perpetrated solely by the pumpkin manufacturers of North America to shill their unwieldy and tasteless squash. Without it pumpkins would have become extinct centuries ago. The same would have happened to broccoli if it had not been "discovered" to "help prevent cancer".

Pumpkins do not prevent cancer. The only thing that pumpkins prevent is a good night's sleep due to the guilt you feel for not making a jack-0-lantern with the one your mom bought you because really she would like to think you are still ten years old and all the things that are wrong with you can still be fixed.

The thing about carving a pumpkin is that when you are done all the things that are wrong with it are there to stay. Especially if you use permanent marker to draw on it and then change your mind and actually carve it some other how.

Suddenly feelings of failure loom. If only you had thought more about it. Planned. Bought the Right Tools. If only. It could have been something like you get on all the techie pop culture web sites this time of year with the pumpkin carving art.

Do not be decieved. These people are nerds.

Do not be sad that your pumpkin does not achieve this standard which is only accomplished with massive amounts of effort, planning, and time spent not leaving the house or interacting with other human beings.
My pumpkin falls short of just about every standard there is. Even the It's Crap standard. Even I was surprised at the sheer and monumentally pathetic half-assedness of it.

But then stick a cheap scented candle in it and cut the lights...

Beautiful.

Pumpkins as a metaphor for life. We are all useless and pointless organic matter. We get beat up and have holes poked in us. But then someone comes along and cuts off the top of your head, stuffs a light inside it, and you rampage through the country side devouring bunnies and small children.

The circle of life is complete.

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